The therapist-client relationship is like no other, which is why it can be difficult to process the death of a long-standing customer. In this article, Caroline Mead (MFHT) shares a personal story and her advice on how to manage the experience
WORDS Caroline Mead, MFHT
As therapists, we occupy a privileged and unique role in people’s lives. We know personal and private details about them, but we’re often not friends, and we’re not always connected to the people around them. Due to our role in their lives, they share life’s ups and downs with us – births,
marriages, illness.
Death is also a part of life. What happens when a client dies, and that relationship is no longer there? I’ve been a massage therapist since 2008, but experienced this for the first time in 2021. How did I avoid it for so long? It was a strange time. Due to Covid and operating restrictions, the therapy room I work from closed in March 2020 and didn’t reopen until April 2021. I kept in contact with clients through the uncertainty. At Christmas 2022, I received a Christmas card from a regular client, Liz*. She wished me a Happy Christmas and wrote she’s looking forward to seeing friends again.
A few months later, the therapy room was about to re-open, so I made preparations to return. Shortly afterwards, a family friend stopped me in the street as I was cycling home. “Have you heard about Liz? It was a very aggressive form of cancer. She died within six weeks of her diagnosis.”
News like this always stops you in your tracks, but after a year of Covid lockdowns, it was difficult to put into context. I’d barely seen anyone apart from a small group of friends and family. I hadn’t seen Liz – or any other client – in over a year. I didn’t know her family, though I knew a lot about them. What was I supposed to do? Professional ethics and boundaries meant I couldn’t discuss details, but I felt I had to do something.
I sent a card to her husband. I couldn’t attend the funeral due to Covid restrictions, so I honoured her in my own way. She was a lover of the finer things – wines, cultural holidays, London theatre. I think of her when the sun is out, even today.
As therapists, we will all experience this at some stage. I think we should normalise it, talk about it and have a plan in place. Here’s a selection of pointers that may help you, as they helped me:
- It’s OK to acknowledge the loss and grieve the end of a professional therapeutic relationship, in whatever way feels right.
- We occupy a unique place in people’s lives, so don’t be offended if you don’t hear about the death immediately. Friends and family of the deceased person will know before you do and may contact you much later.
- Find space to honour their memory in whatever way feels most authentic to you, whilst maintaining professional ethics.
- Take time to be kind to yourself, and maybe take a few days off to reset.
* Name changed for confidentiality purposes
This article was first published in the FHT’s The Wellness Room magazine Autumn 2022.
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